Jury Duty Extraction 101

Your jury experience suck?  Blame Henry Fonda.

Let's be honest. Outside of an occasional Victoria's Secret catalog, J/K, there is nothing very exciting about getting the mail these days.  I guess we have Al Gore and his internet to partially blame for that.   There is probably even a hierarchy that outlines the dread associated with most mail.  If such a pyramid existed the Jury summons would be near the top, just under the photo traffic ticket but slightly above the utility bill.

Wait.  Shouldn't jury duty be something that we, citizens of an open democracy, relish and be proud of?  Sure, the right to a jury by your peers is something that distinguishes our great legal system.   We like it, just as long as we aren't being called on to spend an afternoon at the old courthouse passing judgement.*

So, as long as there has been a need for a jury, there has been a need to come up with a suitable excuse to extricate oneself from this grand responsibility.  Since this is something that effects all of us and since I have successfully gotten out of all 5 of my summons I thought I would share a few things that might help you successfully neglect your civic responsibility.  Monsieur McAdams can check the list against his ever expanding legal experience.

• The racist/sexist/just about anything that ends in 'ist' card:  This is an easily played card that promises results.  But keep in mind that those results come with potential consequences.  The success of this one might depend on the size of and your standing within the community.  You would hate to be labeled the town homophobe just because of a couple well placed comments to the person picking a jury.
• The political outlier: This fellow is a close relation to the "ist" man explained above.  All it takes is a couple of comments regarding your support for some militia group in Northern Idaho or for socialism in general.  Better yet, bring a copy of Das Kapital to the jury selection meeting.
• The suffering patient:  Head over to your nearest medical supply store before your jury selection date. Don't forget to be creative in your selection of items to wear.  My suggestion?  Buy some loose gauze.  Visit a magic shop and get a hold of some fake blood or puss.  Apply liberally.  Should get you out pretty quickly.
• Mr. Answer:  This one takes a little longer to execute but its effectiveness is not questioned and it reduces the potential stigma associated with the previous three.  From the moment you enter the building you need to put on your best "A" personality and actively dominate every conversation.  Not only that you need to have very strong opinions that you have to insist are absolute.  The best way to get your pass is to target any staff and harangue them regarding the inefficiency of the current judicial system.  Go the distance by going into a 15 diatribe about your prescription for this problem.  Nobody wants to execute justice with "Mr. Answer", trust me.

These are just a few suggestions.  Try them out and let me know how they work.   Have any better recommendations?  Please share.

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*The obvious exceptions would be anything worthy to be shown on Court TV.