The battle of the bulge

No, not that Battle of the Bulge.

As the average male matures into his middle years there are certain measuring sticks that are used to determine whether or not he is in control of his physical being.  There are the obvious ones such as hair- both on the top of the head and the back-, weight maintenance, or muscle tone. But there is one more subtle mile marker that all men secretly gauge, one that has repercussions both to his psyche but, also, his wardrobe. 

What is it?

The waist-length ratio for our pants.

For most of our formative and early adult years we carelessly prance around on the positive side of this ratio.  Our metabolism is robust, our activity solid, and our stomach flat.  It is easy to understand why a 24 year old will take his 30x34 measurements for granted.  But then real life happens and the slow advance of extra pounds makes its assault on our mid section.

The first time you really become aware of the advance is when you get to 33x34.  For years you have been on the positive side of the ratio and now you are coming to the precipice.  And then the possibility of 34x34 looms.  The difference between a 33 and ..gasp...a 35 is a Continental Divide a Mason-Dixon line, if you will, that you don't want to cross, but like the River Styx it's crossing appears inevitable.

For awhile, you ignore it.  And than you begin your meek counter attack.You step up your time in the gym.  You uncomfortably sit through lunch meetings as you hold in your gut to maintain the 33x34 charade.  And then finally you can't take it.  You either must reverse this course, and all the hard work that entails, or you must come to grip with the reality dealt on the other side of the equation.

You start to evaluate diets.  You secretly try on a pair of 35x34 jeans just for the sake of investigation.  You log in a few extra minutes at the gym.  You've reached the crossroads that all men, aged 30-40 inevitably face.  Father time is calling and he is wearing a pair of loose fitting sansabelt trousers.

Friends, I have reached that critical juncture.  Pray that I will have the strength to extend this fight and not prematurely succumb to the siren song of easy meals and suspenders.