Revenge of the Sequel

Hollywood executives are spending a lot of time these days rummaging through the "attics" of their back catalog. What are they looking for? Anything that had a pulse, made a little money, is relatively cheap to make, can garner a measurable safe return, and can be turned around on the fly. Why? Because that is easy money and Hollywood is about money. If you want something ground breaking or original go watch the Sundance channel.

So in that spirit, I have decided to help these folks out with a few recommendations of my own. These are surefire winners.

1. Citizen Kane II, the Revenge of Rosebud: It's time we take the hammer to this iconic and innovative classic. Let's get one of the leading action directors of our day, Tony Scott or Barry Sonnenfeld, and load the sequel with every kind of cliche in the book. Yes, I did say action. We all knew that that darned Sled, Rosebud, looked like it was up to something bad. It will be unleashed in the sequel. It will be the slasher sensation of the summer box office.
   
2. Godfather IV, the boredom of running a legitimate business: We breathed a sigh of disappointment when Michael wanted to make the family business legitimate. What about the action, blood, and Sicilian justice? This one will be somewhat of a documentary, underlining the difficulties that most Italian companies have when they are required to play by the books. Should be a big hit with accountants.
   
3. Weekend at Bernie's III: Because there still so much that can be told. The Second wasn't enough, this movie franchise deserves a long life.
   
4. Golden Girls Gone Wild: It is only smart to capitalize on the hottest actress of the moment, Betty White. It's a shame this wasn't started earlier as we've only recently lost Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty. People love it when Betty uses the sexual double entendre. Let's take off the gloves and let these octogenarians blow away every social taboo that hasn't already been desecrated by people like Howard Stern.
   
5. Metrosexuals in the city: Because gays aren't the only men focused on clothes and their looks. Let's face it, we are becoming more vain. It's about time we had a movie that spoke to our vanity. Have it star David Beckham and Tom Brady. Have just enough of them to attract the female and gay audience. Have just enough action to capture the rest of us.
   
6. Clash of the Titans: Let's take a mulligan on the the remake, it was horrible. Start all over again and get back to the basics. Call Harry Hamlin if you have to. Better yet, exorcise the spirit of Laurence Olivier. I'm sure he could help. He's probably got nothing better to do.