Every four years we are instructed by whichever network owns its broadcast rights to pay attention to the Winter Olympics. We try and pronounce the Nordic sounding names of the blond haired Europeans as they do some pretty strange stuff in the snow. (Or in the case of the Vancouver games this year, slush) Eventually we sort of pay attention to Hockey and Ice Skating and then we turn back to our regular sports that ....well, more closely resemble sports.I am at a complete loss when it comes to some of these events. How did they evolve? Guns and cross country skiing as a competitive sport? Seriously? They are more an awkward patchwork of European elitist tradition and American styled daredevilry then anything that could really be considered a true test of athleticism. But I digress...
So instead of trying to figure out the Winter Olympics I have decided to slip into my wool turtleneck and jump right in. In fact I am going to take it a step further and actually recommend a few more events to help the Winter Olympics expand into the 9/10th of the rest of the world that doesn't experience winter or turtlenecks.
Here is my preliminary list.
- World-Class Snowball Fight Extravaganza: There could be team or individual categories and rules could follow those outlined in Paintball. You want drama, stamina, and precision? This is a sure winner. And it can bring in the coveted 18-34 straight male demographic in the same way that figure skating owns the smaller yet incredibly influential 18-34 gay male demo.
- Ice Sculpture: Grace and creativity combined. Plus it gives us a chance to bring chainsaws into the games. And because these events are almost exclusively attended by the white upper-class jet-set, the events provide a valuable sales opportunity for the competitors to present their art in hopes of making it into next years exclusive parties in the Hamptons and Monaco.
- Stone rock/broom concept: This one came to me as I was coming down from a Lortab induced hallucination during my last toothache. But hear me out. It's weird and it defies description but I think its got potential. Teams take turns sliding polished granite stones down the ice towards a target. Two sweepers with brooms or brushes accompany each stone and use timing equipment and their best judgment, along with direction from their teammates, to help direct the stones to their resting place. Oh wait....
- Ultimate Winter Endurance: Back to the need to cater to the young and lucrative demographic that drives ratings and ad revenues. Participants will strip down into their underwear and see how long they can brave a glacier fed lake. The event could even by emceed by Bear Grylls.
- Soccer: I told you I would engage the interest of the rest of the world.
These events can really help to expand the appeal of the Winter Games. It also gives us a chance to put up with 10-15 more hours of Bob Costas waxing poetic about the majesty and purity of international competition.
And remember it is not silly or stupid if there is a gold medal at the end.
